Long lost gem from the internets

You all remember a guy named Leonard? I'm sure most of you don't, but he was always a brilliant, amusing guy. Just recently he fake-replied to a guy on Craigslist who wanted to start a rap-metal band inspired by Terminator 4. Apparently Leonard still has it.

The original ad:

Sonic Weapon needs musicians. Especially a vocalist who likes trippy singing, and also controlled yelling (And possibly more instrumentalists). The project currently has a 7-string guitar player, and a midi/pro tools operator, and a rapper with a voice meant for metal. But a dedicated keyboard player will eventually be needed, until then, any studio we will have to use midi.

If one were to describe this project in a nutshell, it sounds like it should be the soundtrack to the next Terminator movie. So the singer has to have controlled yelling, and also can sing and plainly just capture and hypnotize the audience. The vocalist should like all kinds of music, as well as Deftones, Ill Nino, Fear Factory, Himsa, Killswitch Engage, Chimaira, etc. A rapper has already been found with a HUGE voice! So the rapping spot is already taken care of. (Think you've heard rap-metal? Please think again).

Eventually a drummer can replace the MIDI drums. But a metal drummer who likes Lamb of God, Slayer and Fear Factory, who is open to an aggressive and massive rapping that is totally meant for metal. So until that day finally arrives, then we're stuck with the program 'Drum Kit From Hell'

And the conversation that ensued:

Dude man, I literally and figuratively jizzed myself when I read your ad. I am THE ONE. I am your Neo. fuck dude, let's get inside the Matrix and just fuck shit up with our raw tunes and mind-altering sonic collage. Not only is my singing hypnotic, but I actually hypnotize the audience, and then I yell but in a controlled way. it's so subtle but full of expression. Like I start yelling and just keep it under wraps, I'm am so coy about yelling, but then I will just yell and it's like listening to someone die in a meat grinder, but really captures the audience, literally. Like I will throw a net on them or some shit.

I love all the bands you mentioned, but I love everything from Lamb of God to Travis Tritt to Slayer to Toby Keith to Buckethead to fucking Minnie Ripperton even, sometimes. I do it all, I hear it all, I listen indiscriminately to all music and I make every sort of music possible. Gamelan, fucking Lawrence Welk-type shit, Merzbow noise experiments, Ian Tyson covers, shit dude I am all over it. I am probably the greatest genius who ever lived AND I dream about James Cameron at night, and like him having a metal skeleton and punching women. Wouldn't that be a wicked song

Listen, I have the dream and hitch onto this shit, I will make you trip balls, literally.

Nameth Razorseed

ok , nahmeth (is that the name you go by). here is the thing. can you yell almost like the way himsa or hatebreed does? cause i know i can't. what about samples… any experience with previous acts?

I was in "Brave Rape" for like 2 years, but then we broke up. I've been doing a solo project as "Colostomy Slime", and my other band now "Wigger Fight."

Fuck please, I can totes yell like Himsa. I can yell like anyone, Himsa, Hatebreed, Kirk Douglas, Mel Gibson, I studied yelling in fucking Thailand

Hewl yeah, I know how to use them samples. I be triggering samples when I sings, I be throwing them down with Boss Dr. Sample and yelling.

let's meet and you lay down some 7-string guitar, start off slow and then I be melodically yelling and thinking about Terminator

oh yeah, just call me Razorseed.

- Razorseed

oh cool. i never meant samples, i meant samples of your music.

but its not that important i guess if u say u can do all that. but it would still be cool to hear and all.

i wish i was on terminator 4…. i am not really writing the soundtrack… my ad is meant to trigger interest in people who would like to be a part of something that SHOULD be on there…

where are you located?

I am a sick vocalist, you think you've heard vocals? Please, Placido Domingo worships my phallus

We could be on the Terminator 4, all we do is get into Crowley sex magick. Have you peeped The Book of the Law? Wigger honestly, the band thinks up a thing and then gets into a circle wearing musty old robes, then chant a lot and think about Ra. Then ejaculate onto an ancient mystical symbol. 4 real you get power, I get money doing this, I made a mustard recipe and sold it to a small organics company. Then I sold a ketchup one. Then I sold horseradish sauce recipe. Then I sold a vegetarian ranch dressing. And now Im living well large, I live on a big fuck of a boat.

Dost thou and his brethren live near the water? I saileth my boat over. I sailed to Buffalo. I sail where I feel.

I got mad samples of me singing, but my music is all in Calgary. It'll be here soon though, you mark my fucking words.

Oh yeah, call me N-Seed for short. Be like "Hey N-Seed" and mean it.

PS - think about it: maybe change the band name to Psonick Whepun, just think about it. Or Sawknic Whepan maybe? I'm just riffing


we have no interest in the occult. i do not mess with that. i give my word straight.

i was thinking some singing, but it might not work for this project cause i think our rapper is pure monster tone. it prolly wont work with deftones style singing beside it. i think we might be good man. but i am open to hearing your samples cause if its that good as you are saying then it would be impossible to deny anyways.

right now this project is in a slump so nothing is established as in stone yet.

Your rapper is definitely a plump nutsack full of monster tone, I can't wait to work out with that fucking guy, it'll be legendary. I bet we'll get famous in like 3 months, max. I made a new instrument last night, it's like a crossbow and it fires arrows at pieces of metal and makes this lord of fucktown of a tone, it sounds so Terminator 4. I've been dreaming about Terminator ever since I saw your ad, I think it's gonna happen. Do you think in Terminator 4 that the Terminator will start getting into Ancient Egyptian culture? That'd be perfect. If you had to write about me, you'd say "He's like Terminator got into Ancient Egypt." I'm all about metallic arm attachments, robes, big staffs with fancy shit on the end, fucking leather-ass boots built for shit-kicking cement.

You shouldn't be in a slump man. Should I sail over with my boat and give you guys some motivation? My boat is full of poontang right now, I picked up all these bitches on the Toronto Islands and we've been freqstyling ever since. You want to come over and get milked?

Yo hit me up and let's jam buddy. Or if you want to just come over and drink absinthe smoke hash and meet some of these cracked-out bitches I be slamming with my gourd cock, that's cool too. We can rub out a vibe together. or just talk about fucking talk Wittgenstein over a plate of cheese-filled smokies, let's just do this man. Let's make the dream happen.


I cannot see anything in relation to Egypt in this terminator or sonic weapon theme man. Although I am a fan of the band Nile.

dude ure last email freaked me the fuck out. just cause i play this music doesnt mean i am into all that dark shit or that type of partyinh. you would be surprised to know i am just a nerd. i am doing this only for business. the relations in this band are primarily meant for business.

as a precaution , or anyone else involved in this does not take on anyone without hearing samples first. i am not making any guarantees. and there are plenty of delays right now. i have to figure out some pro technology before any of this gets going again. ..

the slump is cause i must learn all this technology for the production end of things.

I appreciate your intentions, but please make your inquiries regarding this entity business only.

Listen friend, I appreciate your caution.Music is more than business though. I've been chewing on a chimp's pituary gland to get at the hormones, then I play the lyre for these ladies, and this is what life's about. You know? You'll figure it out once you move in. I have some extra space on the boat. When do you want to move in? Food is all you can eat, I've got everything, perogies, pizza pockets, beef jerky, count chocula. Get Priest to move into my boat too, we'll get mad wiggerish on this motherfucker. I've got plenty of robes for everyone.

I've been awake the past 74 hours hooped on animal hormones, but that's where my values are. I see you may only be into it for business, but this is about MUSIC, and Terminator, two of the most important things to the history of mankind. I am your John Connor, you are Sarah Connor, Priest is the dude from the future in Terminator 1. The other guy is just some soldier, but mad useful.

Let me ask you before I sign off, how many orgasms do you think you could have in a 24-hour period? Come up with an answer and DOUBLE IT, that's what life is like on this boat. Mad poonani, beef jerky, animal hormones, tons of zinc and potassium supplements, some dehydrated tiger prostate tablets, anything you could want to get down. Hell, if you just want to play Wii, I've got almost every game. Do you like Jason Statham? I have his phone number, he's in TO and might pop by to get mad wiggerish on me. I've got lizards even, do you like lizards? Let's just do this thing already.

Think about it, do you want to make the greatest music of all time, or do you want to pussy out? The choice is yours, take hold of your destiny and reinvigorate rap metal like you just shot it with a syringe full of Priest's mad flow.

Do you take the red or the blue pill?

Thanks but I cant leave to go on a boat. I must meet up a synth man… drummers. Very busy. In the middle of a pro tools certification. i must be near a studio at all times.

I'll get back to you once you can send samples first.

Yeah I feel you man. I'm doing a little downtime today too, to reflect on things. My testes are in a real sperm deficit. and one of the girls couldn't handle her mescaline last night and threw half my lizards into the lake. it's been a real wake-up call, like when things get too real like this. i feel like i've been touching the void only to realize i've been touching an anus.

Anyway, my samples should be here today, and when I lay them out on your lap like a salami of a cock, fuck homey, you will gargle those sounds with relish. I can't wait until you hear them. I just have to convert the files from laserdisc to .WMA. What audio program do you use? I sometimes use the Win 95 version of Cakewalk, but I should probs update. What do you suggest?

Hey, I'm thinking about loading up my dune buggy and heading to Burning Man. you and Priest want to come? I know you don't want to chill with me and all, but this is probably something even you can't pass up without feeling like a dink. I have about 10 powerbars per person, a flat of gatorade, so we should be good for food for the next week or probably more. Or maybe you're busy learning about computers and that's OK as long as you're learning how to capture some of the sweet shit I make with my mouth. I came up with this new vocal technique last night like out of all the grief for my drowning lizards I just let out this dope yell. I think a new epoch is upon us.

Tell Priest to drop me an email. I'm just doing some downtime, drinking laudanum, reading Henry Miller aloud to this bitches and blowing their minds, I bet Priest is the type of homey to get down with this action. Listening to a little Kravitz, it's chill.

- N-Seed

1 comment:

Becca said...

This is P-Diddy. My wife, B-rock and I both blasted vocally while reading this dope symphony of verbage on our rocked out Z-Smack Racecar Boat.